Gratitude, Not Attitude

It’s harder to receive a gift if you fail to see the love it expresses.

BY: CAROLINE PIGNAT

So,” my sister, Fiona, said as we sat in the kitchen over coffee. “What are you getting for your anniversary this year?”

I rolled my eyes. “Same thing I get every year: Disappointed.”

We laughed, but I wasn’t trying to be funny. It was a chronic condition. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas—all the big events left me feeling down. My husband, Tony, would show up with a dollar-store card when I’d hoped for a night out. Or chocolate when I’d hinted for earrings. And why didn’t he ever think of getting a sitter, making hotel reservations, and whisking me off for a day or two? I was always hoping for that “perfect” gift, but never getting it.

“He’s not a mind reader,” Fiona finally said in Tony’s defense. “You have to tell him what you want.”

“After eighteen years of dating and marriage, you’d think he’d know me,” I complained. She looked at me over her cup, eyebrows raised: “Or that you’d know him.”

The Wrong Gift. Fiona’s remark caught me by surprise and made me think. I knew Tony loved me. I also knew he wasn’t big on those “Hallmark” moments. Maybe I did need to lower my expectations.

As the day wore on, I tried to shake myself back to reality whenever I caught myself daydreaming about anniversary gifts. Stop thinking about those earrings and that surprise getaway. That night, when Tony showed up with a card and a kiss, I wasn’t disappointed. But to be honest, I wasn’t thrilled either. Somehow, lowered expectations didn’t seem like the secret to a happy marriage.

Over dessert one evening, I let Tony know how I was really feeling. “I like doing nice things to make you feel special. How come you don’t think of stuff like that for me?” As I expected, he started listing off things he had done. Mentally, I found myself countering every item with an objection.

“Remember when I ordered in from your favorite restaurant?”

Well yeah, but the food was cold.

“Remember the sweater?”

Too small.

“The ring?”

You know I don’t wear silver.

“Your favorite chocolate?”

I was dieting.

I felt suddenly sheepish about my critical attitude. “Every gift I get you is wrong!” Tony exclaimed in frustration. “It’s never what you really wanted. Even if you don’t exchange it, I can always tell by your face.” He was right—too often, my fault-finding made me overlook the love behind the gift.

But Tony’s next statement took me completely by surprise. “And it’s not just that you’re hard to please. It’s like you don’t know how to receive.”

Giving and Receiving. I shifted in my seat. “What are you talking about?” I said defensively. “Of course I know how to receive. What a ridiculous comment.” As Tony gently went on to explain, though, I realized that he wasn’t just throwing out a red herring. He really wanted me to see, to understand.

“It’s not just with things.” He took my hand. “You don’t even know how to receive a compliment.”

My face burned. I didn’t like the way this conversation was going. This was supposed to be about Tony. About how he needed improving. Yet even as I opened my mouth to protest, I realized that I’d never known how to handle other people’s praise. I’d crack a joke or get sarcastic. I’d look away, shrug it off, or change the topic—anything to draw away the attention.

“You are a loving person,” Tony said, stroking my hand, “but in some ways, you don’t know how to receive love.”

We talked well into the night, but it took me some time alone to process his comments. In my journaling the next morning, I admitted the awful truth: I didn’t know how to receive. I was used to being the giver, the thoughtful and responsible one. Even with my extended family and friends, I gave in ways that never seemed reciprocated.

All this time, I had assumed that my disappointments were due to lacks in other people’s character, not mine. How wrong I had been! I felt humbled and ashamed, unworthy of all the gifts I had shunned and found wanting.

A Grateful Heart. And what about the ultimate Giver? Still at my journal, suddenly aware, I wrote: How do I receive from God? Do I accept his love or shrug it off? Do I thank him for his gifts or wish I’d gotten something else? Do I let him love me, in his way?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had expectations of God, not just of other people. I expected him to give me certain things, results, answers to prayer. As if a light had been flicked on, I could now see why my prayer life often felt so frustrating. I’d been trying to dictate how God should show me his love. My attitude left no room for his will. I was taking, not receiving; demanding, not appreciating.

It was with a very contrite heart that I prayed, “God, help me to change. Teach me to recognize and receive all the gifts you give me.”

In the depths of my being, I heard a simple guiding word: Gratitude. Of course! Gratitude thinks of the giver, not the gift. It focuses on the loving, not the having. It’s about losing—not lowering—expectations and letting someone love you in their own way.

I ended that journaling session knowing exactly what I needed to do to begin my new life of thanksgiving. I hopped in the car and headed to the dollar store to buy myself the “perfect” gift—a box of thank-you cards.

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it's awesome to be home home home :)

i think i'm a super packer because i throw heaps of things away. my revamped room is awesome :) just staying at home to slack makes me feel happy too :)

caught 4 movies on the plane! haha..movie marathon - my sister's keeper, time traveler's wife, up, overheard (chinese movie). caught two more movies - 2012 and my girlfriend is an agent! movie-aholic!

jobless but i think i'll probably stay jobless for a longer period this time. i'm a good girl right, people? :)

happy public holiday people!